Let's make fun of people today!

So this online dating thing? It's infinitely entertaining. Everyday there are new winks, matches, interested gentlemen and even emails. I've been very passive. There's a constant stream of willing suitors. And weeding through their profiles is the best part.

Ah, take NeedyChristianAsian.

Here's the highlight reel of his profile: To my future wife: I feel so happy and blessed to get to know you here.
(To my future husband: I hope we have a much cuter meeting story than *shrugs shoulders* internet dating)

If the relationship with you is a mission from the Lord, I will accomplish it with my whole life, and nothing else will be able to come in between us. I will told you every story of my life, my pain, my pleasure and my inside world.
(Since when is God sending people on relationship-missions. Gives new meaning to the phrase what-would-Jesus-do?)

Sometimes I am a day-dreamer who indulges in fantasy, so I think I must be a nature- born writer, although my job will be a stable income occupation. I admit I am really a shy, traditional and ordinary-looking guy, not rich, not good at sport. But I will devote myself to you.
(Nature-born writer, he is not. I cleaned up his punctuation. He kept putting spaces before the comma which was driving me nuts.)

Everything belongs to me belongs to you, including my property ,my youth and my life.
(Hmm.. I did lose a lot of property to my last boyfriend. And not to mention my youth...)

I believe that making your pleasure my pleasure and your pain my pain is my most important duty. I will be the band -aid that heals all your sorrows when you wallow in sadness. I will be the Teddy Bear that warm your body when you are trapped in tiredness. I will be your invisible wings that fly you to the Eden when you are between the devil and deep sea.
The serendipity that will happen between you and me is a movie filled with sweetness and tenderness that God directed, and God chose you as the heroine, me as the hero. I just want to tell you that everything that is happening must be the order from GOD, and I strongly believe that it is also the GRACE OF THE GOD. (Band-aid, teddy-bear? Not sexy. But a movie directed by God Himself? Probably would sweep the Oscars, but be overrated in the end.)

What I like to do:Titanic, a movie that I have been watching for more than 30 times ,touches me deep in my soul and completely takes my heart.such as Gone With the Wind , Breakfast at Tiffany’s ,Legends of the Fall, Shakespeare in Love are also my favourite.
(And juuuusssst incase you were seriously considering this guy... he throws in his love of Titanic for good measure.)

*NEXT*

Here's WhiteGangstah.

My first thought: how does he even know how to work a computer?
Second thought? I bet he's been to jail.

I am a family man and loyal to my mate. A hard worker working for the thing that we would need. I am the kind of person that always duze the right thing know matter the outcome. I would like some buddy that is good to me with a big heart. I like shy woman i like a woman that takes things slow. O and she has to b loyal and honest. U can not have a go strong relationship with out it. And she has to like to b silly some times. But the biggest thing to me is we have to be friends as well.
(I like how he saves time by not typing full words. I wonder if he actually thinks that 'does' is spelled 'd-u-z-e'?)

*NEXT*

Moving right along to... Bitter&Lonely.

I have found writing anything here does no good whatsoever. If you look at the rest of the information and want to talk to me and get to know me, then do so. The only way to get to know someone is in person, but it can start on the internet. Meeting someone in person is easier, but I am not closed minded and some people have stories of meeting their one true love or soul mate online. However, if you want to talk to me you are going to have to message me and provide that as I am no longer a paying member...
(Jeez, I'm depressed after that.)

Well then. Music? (How fitting. A special request from a match.com suitor.)

There are two promising gents. We've exchanged some witty banter via email... but when asked for my number, I panicked. I, naievely, wasn't prepared for this. And next comes dates... (and, naturally, I think... hooray for blog fodder!)

As for the New Plot Point? We think he's trying to play me. He's not very good at it. I've kind of taken a step back, realizing it's more of a fuckationship without relationship potential. And now he's getting whiny.

I think I'm the first girl he's tried to play. And that should say enough about his playah-skillz, because as much as I hate playing games, I also don't like to lose. You don't try to play a girl with an IQ double yours.

Especially since I've always been smart enough to play dumb.

Ya. I'm a little bitter.

Like ants at a picnic...

Today's post is coming to you live from ma & pop's backyard.

Laying on a chair cushion on a towel on the grass. Under the stars. Flickering citronella candles surround me.

I'm listening to a lil this. And a little that.

Ants totally just broke up this picnic. Oh, and it was so delightful, jello shots, cookies, cupcake, watermelon, cantaloupe, honey dew melon, beer and yogurt drink.

Not gonna lie, I totally ate ant(s).

Internet is down at the apartment. I've been house sitting since Thursday.

The party was last night. Good times.

Posted the house rules, which began: Eat, drink and be merry, smoke, toke, throw-up, hook-up, freak-out, pass-out

And ironically (if using the Silver definition) that preeeetttty much sums up the night. And that's pretty much all I can say about the night. Went to bed early, slept late, didn't get much sleep ;) had an epic breakfast, and then back to my Susie-homemaker routine.

NewPlotPoint even made an unexpected appearance.

All this cooking for the party and Brother's lunch. and all this laundry from Brother's work clothes and ALL. THE. sheets and blankets and pillow cases. and all the cleaning and picking up garbage and hiding all traces of a party. (I would make an excellent murderer. Hiding a body should be easy after hiding an entire party.) and ALLL the bed making and sheet changing. Fuck.

Realised that NO. ONE. makes a bed like my Mummy. Which really hinders your efforts to disguise that there were shenanigans going on in my parent's bed and shenanigans going on in my childhood bedroom. Oh and Silver slept in Brother's room. Brother slept on the couch.

And even the finishing touches, like hand-curled ribbon, garnishes, cupcakes/jelloshot hybrids and ribbon around the toilet paper. But allll this Susie-homemaker stuff has got me thinking.

I like it.

I'm enjoying emptying the dishwasher, sweeping up and taking care of everyone. I'm not ready for it yet. But I look forward to it.

The cold lump within my torsal cavity.

OK, so I know I've been quiet. First, this... Ah, fuck already did that one. Awesome track, nevertheless. Kinda random, but... The boy hadn't called. Not that I was doing any of this. Or that. And certainly none of this But I also couldn't write. A little extreme. I was a lump of emotional hurtbag. In a completely unrelated matter, I have 20 cc's of norgestimate and ethinyl estradiol coursing through my veins. I'm back on the wagon. I'm getting it on the regular. The boy called. Last night. Late. Quite late. Even later then you're imagining. So I'm contemplating a 3am booty-call. What would Irish say? IRISH: Go for it, RonRon. ME: Don't call me RonRon! What would Jesus do? And of course, this is the image that immediately comes to mind. But then realise it's all a moot point, because I'm, saying YES!! to everything. Always nice to stamp the summer BINGO card. Let me play you out.

And next week... good night moon

I am reading Generation Me, and I wanted to write a post about it. But I can't just log onto the computer without some serious shenanigans. First I had to check my facebook. Then texts from last night and fmylife. Of course I needed music. And then whilst on the interwebs, I was shocked to discover that there was an earthquake in Toronto today. From fmylife no less. Not the most credible of sources, and then after much poking around, I was shocked to discover that there was in fact an earthquake in Toronto this afternoon. And I missed it? Then, using my recent calls and texts, I pinpointed myself in the parking lot of Fairview mall. And I DID feel it. I had just parked and turned off the car, when I felt the car swaying. I thought it was a problem with the car. Or the wind (I was on the upper level parking.) So I guess this is really the summer of everything. Really should have made a bingo card. So I bailed on a certain Mr. Wikham for a rendezvous with quite a new plot point. And ever since then, my lucky streak is broken. But the great things just keep getting greater, and the randomness has reached a new level, that it`s almost back to predictable again. Got a new phone today. Nothing fancy. (But fancy compared to my last phone, which can only be described as prehistoric.) Negotiated my butt off, and left with a plan that is both cheaper and with more features than my last. Irish and I are starting a book club. First we read The Bro Code, and now we've moved onto Generation Me by Jean Twenge. Oh won`t you join our book club! I`ll begin. I liked what she said about getting dressed for yourself. I guess people in the fifties would have dressed more casually and comfortably, if it had been a social norm. Even look how Coco Chanel had changed women's fashion out of corsets and into pants. Our generation is the sweat pant generation. And I know that I talked about it in my column (link to follow, one of these days) as something bad. My clothing choices in the past 24hours varied depending upon the situation. I'm still dressing for myself, but taking context, environment, and company involved into account. Right now I'm wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt. Comfortable, but still cute enough to go outside and chill with the neighbours. I wore jeans and a cute tank to the mall today, and a similar ensemble to New Plot Point's house last night. But at work, it was pinstripe dress pants, a crotcheted cami and a cardigan. Family functions call for class. Skank it up when going out. Funky for school and hanging out. Professional for work. Comfy for home. I essentially have 5 looks. And multiple personalities for each. And I love what she said about dance (fashion and dancing? boy am I predictable) What will my children's weddings look like, for the bride/father groom/mother dances? I don't know how to waltz.. what hope does my son have. Thats why I love going to places with my friends that play music from the fifties or sixties. Some songs just demand that he put his hand on your waist, and you put yours on his shoulder. You clasp hands, and improvise a little fox trot. I think that I want to live in the romanticized boomer generation. I want the formality and ettiquite and newness, with the convenience and freedoms of the Internet age.