Too Hot for the P.C.'s... How to update an outdated anthem for a modern Canada

In honour of Canada Day, and getting my shit together, here is my magazine article written last semester. It's still a little rough, but it's the best I got today. Too hot for the P.C.'s How to update an outdated anthem for a modern Canada By: VERONICA BLAKE Every morning would begin the same way, in elementary school. We’d stand up straight, head up, shoulders back, arms stiff at our sides. We’d belt it out, loud and proud, true patriot love. I don’t recall when this changed. 9 a.m. the bell would ring. The William Tell Overture would play, as frantic students whipped down the hallways, frantically racing to class before the anthem. But by the time high school rolled around, we were transformed into a bunch of slouchy, surly teenagers. We didn’t sing it anymore. We stood there. Slouched, head down, weight shifting from one leg to another. It was the awkward moment that would begin our day. I stood up and sung when Alexandre Bilado won the first Olympic gold medal at the Vancouver Olympics. And we owned the podium, earning thirteen more opportunities to break out into proud patriotic song. “O Canada! Our fathers' land of old Thy brow is crown'd with leaves of red and gold. Beneath the shade of the Holy Cross Thy children own their birth No stains thy glorious annals gloss Since valour shield thy hearth. Almighty God! On thee we call Defend our rights, forfend this nation's thrall, Defend our rights, forfend this nation's thrall." That’s not the version I was singing. In fact, many Canadians probably don’t know any other version than today’s incantation of O Canada. But the anthem has gone through many evolutions since 1880, when the original French hymn was written by Calixa Lavallee and Judge Adolphe-Basile Routhier, whose poem provided the lyrics. This first English version was published in 1906. The lyrics that are sung today are amended from a poem written in 1908 by Robert Stanley Weir. O Canada didn’t even become our official national anthem until 1980. Now after Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s extended Christmas vacation, parliament has been rerogued. Back to business, Govenor General Michaelle Jean made the prerequisite throne speech. And Canadians sat up and listened. “Our government will also ask Parliament to examine the original gender-neutral English wording of the national anthem,” Throne Speech, March 3, 2010. It was a vague proclamation. But backlash ensued. Canadians may not have known what examining gender-neutral language would entail, but one thing was certain – the government was threatening to change the national anthem. The problem lay with a single line, ‘in all our son’s command.’ The original Weir poem used, ‘in all us dost command,’ which would be gender-neutral. But in the interests of being politically-correct, are Canadians willing to use an archaic word like ‘dost?’ As it turns out, Canadians were not prepared to insert the second-person singular, present-tense of the verb to do into our national anthem. In the end, Harper backed down, and nothing was changed. But surely this debate will arise again, and I’m prepared. 1. O Canada! Our home and native land! Canada is a diverse nation, with a high proportion of people born outside of Canada. This is no longer the native land of the majority of the population. Proposed Change: O Canada! The place where we all live 2. True patriot love in all thy sons command. Ah, the offensive, sexist lyric that started it all. And am I a true patriot? I am patriotic, but what does a true patriot entail? Proposed Change: Most of us like it here, in gender-neutral command 3. With glowing hearts we see thee rise, Not offensive, but who really says thee anymore? Other than people who use ‘dost’ in everyday conversation. And what’s with this reoccurring heart and love theme. I love my country, but I’m certainly not in love with it. Proposed Change: With lukewarm smiles we go on for miles 4. The True North strong and free! This “true” north seems like a dig at other northern nations. What about Russia? And what about the thawing of permafrost. That hardly feels like true north. Proposed Change: Global Warming makes us hot. 5. From far and wide, O Canada, We’re a big country, but the majority of our population is on the boarder. Proposed Change: Montreal and Vancouver, and To-o-ro-on-to! 6. We stand on guard for thee. This seems like we’re making promises, and taunts, that our army simply cannot handle. Proposed Change: Oh USA we’re not! 7. God keep our land glorious and free! Uh-oh. Not the g-word. Proposed Change: Gosh! Keep our land, polite and P.C. 8. O Canada, we stand on guard for thee. Can we make this anthem a little sexier, appeal to a younger generation? Proposed Change: Yo Canada, drink beer and watch hockey. 9. O Canada, we stand on guard for thee. And we may as well give a shout-out to our neighbours to the south. I hope they like that. Plus, it will make the transition to the 51st state even smoother for Canadians. Proposed Change: Oh Canada, (switch key signatures) For the land. Of the-e FREE! So now we have our final draft, updated for the 21st Century: O Canada! The place where we all live Most of us like it here, in gender-neutral command With lukewarm smiles, we go on for miles Global warming makes us hot Montreal and Vancouver, and To-o-ro-on-to! Oh USA we’re not! Gosh! Keep our land, polite and P.C. Yo Canada, drink beer, watch hockey O Canada, (pause) For the land. Of the-e FREE! Much better. Or way worse. You be the judge. The point is, that people hate change. Did anyone really care about the anthem before Harper threatened to tweak it? Go to any event, and you see people mumbling it or mouthing it or just standing there not even faking an effort. All it did was create a big stir, distracting Canadians from the true issue: the proroguing of parliament. At the end of the day, ask yourself if you’re protesting the change, or protesting change for change’s sake. And if you don’t like the anthem, belt out your own lyrics. Sing it so loud that it drowns out all other patriots. And your ears will never be offended by distasteful lyrics ever again. SIDEBAR: Where does Changing of O Canada measure on the Thermometer of Useless Change The Beach vs Beaches Debate In 1985 the City of Toronto posted 14 street signs declaring the area “The Beaches” The signs were removed shortly due to public outcry. In 2006 The Lions club attempted to post street signs designating it “The Beach”. A public pole was held, with 58% of residents voting for “The Beach”. Public outrage continues to this day. The Eaton Centre In 1999 Eaton’s declared bankruptcy, and was acquired by Sears. The Eaton Centre kept its name, but there were moments of worry about changing the mall’s name. Metro vs. Dominion In 1919 a grocery store opened, christened Dominion of Canada. In a 2008 acquisition, they were rebranded as Metro. Product lines were expanded, but people still refuse to call it Metro. Street Cars Most major metropolises use street cars for tourists. But not Toronto. David Miller loves streetcars; and any mention of discontinuing service gets some Torontonians in a tizzy. Licence Plates 1982 the motto on the Ontario licence plate changed from “Keep it Beautiful” to “Yours to Discover”. Drivers held onto their plates for years. In 1997 a seventh digit was added, and the outcry lay in remembering yet another digit. The Bloor Viaduct An Anti-Suicide barrier was installed in 2003. Over 500 suicides had been reported, making the viaduct the most fatal standing structure in the world. People complained that the beautiful view of the city would be destroyed. Health Cards People will use tattered, taped together old red-and-white health cards, to avoid getting the new one. Women have kept their last name in marriage, just to avoid changing their health card. The Rogers Centre People still call it the SkyDome, despite its 2005 purchase by Rogers. It just has a better ring to it than Rogers Centre Maple Leaf Gardens The Toronto Maple Leafs left the gardens over 10 years ago, but the building remains unused. Even the new plans for the arena marry a grocery store, with an ice rink, staying true to the original building. Chip and Pin Cards The new technology is safer and protects from card fraud, but the complainers cry, ‘I have to remember a PIN?’ Specialty Schools The first Africentric school opened in September, to public outcry. Talk of an all-boys and all-kindergarden schools have raised some eyebrows. The Toonie The two-dollar-bill was replaced by a coin in 1996, with people upset about their wallets and pockets being weighed down. Oh Canada A potential change of Oh Canada made people angrier than the toonie, but more outcry was received over changing Facebook. Facebook Facebook has gone through three major face-lifts over a ten-year span. Pretty average for a website. But each and every time, petitions, forums and pages spring up, protesting the change. Area Codes In 2001, Torontonians were forced to dial an area-code. The 647 code was also introduced, and getting a coveted 416 area-code was enough to keep your cell-phone. Hockey Night in Canada In 2008 The CBC lost the rights to the Hockey Night in Canada Theme song. For many a hockey-fan, it felt like losing our National Anthem. But more outcry was received for our unofficial anthem changing than our official.